I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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