the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
