my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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