Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
