I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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