Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
She told me I should be a condom model.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
