I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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