I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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