apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
We need to rekindle our bromance
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
