how can u be prego again
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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