never play flip cup with pint glasses
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
