Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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