Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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