I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
