her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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