Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
