I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
