You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Drunk walkin through police station. America
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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