Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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