Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
