So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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