dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
