I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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