My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Bring me that man meat
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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