smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
