I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
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