Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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