Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
