I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
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