I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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