the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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