last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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