you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
