90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
And then my night got REAL pukey
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Randomize
