I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
