2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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