I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
