I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
