You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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