i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
