So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
