He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
