I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
