Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
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