In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
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