I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
this is an emotional support booty call
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
