Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
