Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
