she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
