I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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