You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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