I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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