I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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