hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
