i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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