Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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