i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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