I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
