I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
