I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
